The grief of getting better
Photo credit: Irina Anastasiu
Living with chronic pain for many years comes with a lot of loss. The loss of abilities, relationships, self-worth, time, and quality of life can be profound.
Pain steals away our ability to feel free, to be present with ourselves and others, and to have a hopeful vision of our future.
Over and over, we think “If only…” If only my pain would resolve, then I could enjoy life again.
And it’s true: Life gets so much better and easier when the daily grind of chronic pain isn’t weighing us down and stealing our joy.
On the way to recovery, however, many of us confront something that we didn’t see coming: The need to grieve these losses more acutely than ever before. As we begin to recover from chronic pain, we find ourselves needing to contend with difficult feelings about all that we didn’t get to experience, and all that we had to endure, because of our pain.
How does grief about chronic pain show up?
As with any loss, grief can take different forms within and across people at different times.
Grief can look like heartache and horror for your younger self laying on the ground unable to move after an injury.
It might be anger about a long-standing misdiagnosis that prevented you from getting the treatment you needed.
It could be an overwhelming sadness for the years of your finite life that you spent suffering.
It might be a loss of identity, as you find that you don’t know who you are without having pain all the time.
It is possible to feel directionless, unmoored, and vaguely dissatisfied, almost as though you’ve lost your purpose in life.
It could feel like a desire to numb yourself, and to sink back into hopelessness so that you can’t be disappointed again.
When does grief about chronic pain usually come up?
These feelings can show up at any time—before, during, and/or after your recovery from chronic pain.
When we are actively and consistently in pain, we might not notice these feelings as much. It’s not that they’re not there, but it can be harder to confront them because we are already overtaxed. Many of us feel persistently defeated, drained, and numb to our emotions because of the burden of our pain.
When we start to feel a little better physically, our capacity for feeling our emotions increases, and we may find that grief starts trickling (or flooding) in.
Responding to grief about chronic pain with compassion
When confronted with these grief experiences at the same time that we’re working on our recovery from pain, it is completely understandable to want to avoid these feelings or to resent their presence.
Haven’t you suffered enough?
The answer is yes. You have suffered enough. Which is why fully acknowledging and validating your grief, in whatever seemingly nonsensical form it may take, is essential.
When we attempt to avoid or push away these experiences, we send the message to ourselves that we’re wrong for feeling that way. That our feelings are invalid. That it’s really not such a big deal. That we should just be happy that we’re feeling better now. In short, we increase our suffering by judging ourselves.
This type of self-invalidation is part of the fear cycle that keeps pain going. It is not what we want for ourselves in our recovery process. And pushing feelings away doesn’t actually make them go away. Our bodies and emotional minds will keep sending the message to us until we get it: We are hurting on a deep emotional level and that needs to be addressed.
Instead, see if you can identify your feelings as precisely as possible, soften toward them, and soothe them. Tell yourself that it makes sense for you to feel this way, that your experiences were very scary or hurtful, that you didn’t deserve what happened to you.
Notice when your critical mind chirps back at you (“You’re making too big a deal out of this!” “You should be stronger!”) and extend a little (or a lot of) compassion toward that part of you as well.
Recognize that the self-critical voice may be present because you haven’t received a whole lot of meaningful validation from others during the time that you’ve been in pain. That may be another thing to grieve.
Know that this is temporary
Grieving the losses and the suffering that you’ve endured is a normal step in the process of recovery from chronic pain. As such, the feelings don’t last forever, especially not at the intensity that they may be when they first appear.
As you practice self-compassion, whether for the pain sensations themselves or the emotions surrounding them, it gets easier over time.
At some point, with enough practice, your default response to pain and suffering can become a compassionate, gentle one, ushering you further and further into your recovered life.
If you’re feeling stuck in your healing process, I am here to help. Check out my group coaching program for chronic pain and get on the waitlist today.
The content shared here is for informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnoses, or treatment. Always seek advice from your physician or other qualified healthcare provider before making changes to your health regimen.
